Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

 

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:


Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals
and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him. A bad guy
when Bush's daddy made war on him, A good guy when
Cheney did business with him. A bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
Communist. But trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to the spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United
Nations. But our highest national priority is
enforcing the United Nations resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own
body. But multinational corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of Schools, adolescents won't
have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and
money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
But, providing health care to all Americans is
socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests
of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science. But, creationism should be taught in
schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense. But, a president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is "Solid
defense policy."

Government should limit itself to the powers named in
the Constitution. Which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet?????

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states rights, but Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives
they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the 70 & 80s
is irrelevant.

Friends don't let friends vote George W. Bush.